When Pope John Paul died, he arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time as a lawyer. Both were ushered in to see St. Peter. He gave the lawyer a mansion with a swimming pool and the Pope had to share a double room and an old T.V. set. The Pope was disappointed and queried this decision. St. Peter explained. "We've got a hundred Popes up here, but that's the first lawyer.

Dr. Jim had just informed his patient that he had only three more minutes to live. The patient looked up wishfully and said, "There must be something you can do for me!"

"Well", replied the doctor, "I could boil you an egg."

Two guys were in an English pub. They called the publican over and asked him to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?", asked one.

"There are two pints in a quart", confirmed the publican.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar.

"You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right", he called back, "two pints."

The husband comes home early from work and finds his neighbour in bed with his wife.

"I've looked after you for all these years, you bastard!" he shouted at his neighbour, "I've lent you money, loaned you my car, after all I've done for you ... and stop doing that while I'm talking to you!"

What did Quasimodo give his wife for Christmas?

A wok. He thought it would help her iron his shirts.

A driver returned to his parked car and found his front mud guard damaged. Under the windscreen wiper he found a note which said, "Sorry I backed into your car. The crowd who saw me do it were most impressed when they saw me writing down my name and particulars, but I'm not..."

How does a man know he is getting old?

When it takes him all night to do what he used to do all night.

A traveller stopped at a motel with a sign outside: FREE TV. At the reception desk the clerk asked, "Do you want a $45 room or a $35 room?"

"What's the difference?" asked the traveller.

The clerk replied "The $45 room's got the free TV."

An Irishman was stranded on an island for two years. An empty lifeboat washed ashore, so he knocked it to pieces, and built himself a raft.